The risks and rewards of parenting third culture kids
Written by Judy Severns, Third Culture Kid Education Consultant —
"Should we really consider cross-cultural ministry since it means taking our kids to a new place? Will uprooting their lives destroy them? Will my kids be maladjusted? Will they still love God? Will they hold a grudge against us? Will they know who they are? Will their identity issues be so great that they will never again fit into our passport culture?"
These and many other questions have been asked by prospective missionaries. While many have counted the cost in terms of their own lives, it is excruciatingly difficult to think through implications for their children.
The reality is that if a child spends his developmental years in a country other than his parents’ passport country, he will become a third culture kid (TCK). For example, if a couple from Costa Rica takes an infant to serve in Spain, and they stay for most of his pre-teen years, he will be a TCK. He will speak Spanish, like Spaniards. Attending school in Spain will immerse him in the educational philosophy of Spain. The games he plays, how he uses his free time, the way he relates to friends will reflect Spanish values and customs.
However, parents generally want their kids to know about their cultural roots, so customs from Costa Rica may be observed. Periodic visits “home” will expose this young boy to life among extended family and churches. Hence his “third culture” — part Spanish, part Costa Rican, and all his own.
The challenges
Are there difficult aspects of being a TCK? The answer is yes. Here are some they shared with us:
The joys
While there are challenges, there are many positive aspects, which TCKs also share when asked about their lives. These include:
Parenting TCKs
So how do you as parents make the most of the positive aspects and guide your children through challenges? Here are five ways to help kids navigate life as a TCK:
1. Maintain family life routines as much as possible as you live this mobile lifestyle.
For younger children, keep bedtime routines the same. If there are silly songs you sing for birthdays, keep singing! A last day of school celebration might look different in your host country, but the important thing is that kids know that finishing a school year always means a celebration.
2. Ensure that each time your family leaves a place, your children have an opportunity to say goodbye
to people, places, and other important aspects of their lives.
3. Be honest regarding your own struggles as you move among cultures.
However, guard against negative comments and attitudes. If you share that your host culture is filled with drivers who simply have no idea how to follow traffic rules, your kids will soon verbalize that “all drivers in this place are crazy and ignorant of how to navigate the roads.”
4. Acknowledge that at times you struggle with divided loyalties.
Help your children recognize the wonderful aspects of your passport country while realizing that no nation is perfect. Allow them to enjoy the beauty and fun aspect of the host nation, and take advantage of pristine beaches, majestic mountains, ancient ruins, and beautiful cities that many only dream of visiting. Help your children see that they will always view the world differently because of the privilege they have had to travel. As your children realize that their passport countries do not live up to ideals they imagined, remind them again that those who have not traveled will display lots of nationalistic spirit that may seem strange to TCKS.
5. Reassure children that our true identity is only found in the Lord.
We were created to long for our heavenly home and not meant to be comfortable here on earth. Though TCKS have to process what it means to be a blend of cultures, help them see the richness of their life experiences rather than all the struggles. Though there will be bumps in the road, there are many resources that offer strategies and assistance for this amazing group of people.
God doesn’t just call individuals to missions, he calls families. If he burdens the hearts of parents for foreign missions, his Father heart certainly cares about the children in that family.
There are no guarantees in life, whether parents choose to have careers in their home countries or if they become missionaries. Good parenting can happen anywhere in the world, and as it does, the children who are TCKs will speak positively about their experiences and how their parents made wise choices for them and prioritized family life. As TCKs feel secure in their families, they begin to process how their lifestyles have been an enriching process and they share the blessings of growing up in the places where God directed their families.
Resources about Third Culture Kids
Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds.
Pollock, David C. and Van Reken, Ruth E.
Communicating Across Boundaries, a blog about cross-cultural communication focused on faith and third culture kids
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